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 One liners 
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Post One liners
Post any good one liners you've heard, read, or come up with yourself. To start it off here's one I read,


"War doesn't determine whose right, it determines who's left"


Tue Mar 14, 2006 4:26 am
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Ah, how I love a good one-liner! I'll just quote a few:

* "I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid."
* "NOTICE: A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago."
* "Random insanity is a good fish."
* "An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys."


Last edited by inKy on Sat Oct 10, 2009 3:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Tue Mar 14, 2006 10:45 am
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Eddie Izzard appears to have the monopoly on surreal one liners. This being my favourite.

-If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

Which is probably true.


Tue Mar 14, 2006 11:41 am
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Righto.

"Even on the darkest day, you can still reflect some damn good light"

"Isn't it lovely to know you know nothing beyond knowing you know nothing?"

"personalities don't have supple and moist vaginas"

"Like an STD, it validates your life all the while completely ruining it."

Can't remember who said these, nor can I be sure if originality is present, but really, where has originality gotten anyone?


Tue Mar 14, 2006 1:18 pm
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I'm quite fond of

"All along the untrodden paths of the future, I see the footprints of an unseen hand".

Apparently this was said in cold blood.

I will edit this if I remember who said that. It was some 17th or 18th century Irish guy.


Tue Mar 14, 2006 2:12 pm
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And now for some Mitch Hedburg. He's this stand up comedian who usually does one liners. May you rest in peace Mitch...

-I want to go fishing and catch a fishstick.

-I find that ducks opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

-Rice is really great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

-I used to play in a death metal band, they either loved us or hated us...or they thought we were okay.

-These lights are really bright, they make me want to grow weed again.

-I used to smoke weed...I still smoke weed, but I used to, too.

-I took acid, and realized butter really is better than margarine, I saw through the bullshit.


Wed Mar 15, 2006 1:32 am
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Ooh, Mitch Hedberg has some good ones.

"Foosball messed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me."

"I play sports...Wait, no I don't. What the fuck! That was a major faux pas."

"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly."

"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."


Wed Mar 15, 2006 9:56 pm
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WALLY: Stupidity is like nuclear power; it can be used for good or evil.
DILBERT: And you don't want to get any on you.
--Scott Adams, Dilbert

TV listing for the Wizard of Oz in the Marin Paper: Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.

Everybody was a baby once, Arthur. Oh, sure, maybe not today, or even yesterday. But once! Babies, chum: tiny, dimpled, fleshy mirrors of our us-ness, that we parents hurl into the future, like leathery footballs of hope! And you've got to get a good spiral on that baby, or evil will make an interception!

--Ben Edlund (contemp.) American cartoonist of The Tick

Those would be some of my favourite quotes.


Wed Mar 15, 2006 10:38 pm
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Technically not a one-liner, but I've gotta get in on some of that Tick-quoting action!

From issue 9:

"Always...always remember: less is less, more is more, more is better, and twice as much is good too...Not enough is bad, and too much is never enough except when it's just about right."

Best speech ever.

(I feel shame.)


Wed Mar 15, 2006 10:59 pm
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Why? That was the funniest thing I've read all day. Feel no shame, but bask in the glory of Mitch Hedburg,

-I like swiss cheese, cause it's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify.


Wed Mar 15, 2006 11:05 pm
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Hee. That's a good one.

Here's one more Tick one:

Yes, evil comes in many forms, whether it be a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin, but you can't let the package hide the pudding! Evil is just plain bad! You don't cotton to it. You gotta smack it in the nose with the rolled-up newspaper of goodness! Bad dog! Bad dog!

The Tick was my hero when I was a little girlie. He shouted, he was bright blue, and he ran along buildings with little dents in his wake. Good stuff!


Wed Mar 15, 2006 11:41 pm
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I was sad the live action show didn't do well. I love the guy they got to play the tick, I can't remember his name, but he was on seinfeild, and that's all that matters. He was also in M&M commercials. M&Ms rock!


Wed Mar 15, 2006 11:46 pm
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Something about the live-action show didn't sit well with me. Perhaps I was just bitter that it wasn't the animated series. How I adored that big blue doofus.

Just one more, honest:

"Thank you for teaching us all that love is thicker than most bodily membranes. But not quite as sticky. And that a heart full of love is better than a body full of people."


Thu Mar 16, 2006 12:02 am
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I don't remember where I heard this

-I'd much rather fall in chocolate than in love.

And keep the Tick quotes coming. I'm lovin' it*.




*Shamelessly taken from Micky D's, which I hate more than Hot Pockets, if such a thing is possible.


Thu Mar 16, 2006 12:39 am
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Ah Mitch is great! And so is The Tick.

These are some great one-liners. I don't know if I can think of any, but I'll try...

Couple random cliche ones from god knows where.

-A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

-A day without sunshine is like, night.

-Assassins do it from behind

-If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


Thu Mar 16, 2006 4:14 am
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"Are you in need of a heartfelt conversation?"

Spoken as if it was a tv ad. I smile.


Thu Mar 16, 2006 11:45 am
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