If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if we aren't all busy, this would be the place to inquire.

Maybe later I'll invent some qualifications for us, and make little profiles to append to this post. Right now, I don't feel like doing it.

I've actually been known to give amazing advice.

Right on. I've never been known to give good advice, but I'd imagine this'll still be fun.

For the profiles, I plan to create little rolodex cards for each of us, with clip-n-save borders. Wanna help? I could use source cards to work with in GIMP.

Feel free to create your own. Neo said I could do his; but I don't know how the rest of you feel.*


*Read: "You weren't in chat when the idea struck me brain."

I give great advice.

"Shut up."
"Kill yourself."
"You should show me your boobies."

The list goes on!

Dear Spitelords,

My roomate is crazy and she likes pets TOO much, Should I stay or should I go now?*Side note: The rent is cheap as hell though...yeah*

Dear whoeverthefuckyouare,

I like meat. Pets are made of meat. If you need me to spell it out further, you can just suck it up and live with it.

Dearest Spitelords,

I need a lot of advice. I have absolutely no idea how to live.

I'm a paint-thinner addicted contractor in NYC with ringworm and a tattoo of the depressed Persian tow-truck man. My mother hates me, and my wife is sleeping with our dog. My six love children are all dying.

No seriously what do I do about my stupid friends that are always breathing on me and touching me and eating my food? It's really gotten creepy, but they make sure to do it in public where I can't kill them. I've started to have nightmares. Please assist.

-- Accosted and starving

The answer is obvious, ASS*:

Cover yourself with insect repellant.

If people still want to touch or breathe on/near you, begin using strychnine.
Put a healthy dose in whatever food of yours you think they'll try to steal, too.
If the taste isn't enough to deter them, then--depending on the number of
people participating--they'll learn from example.



-- CD

*Usually when people sign these things with multiple words for pseudonyms, the
first letters of each word create an acronym which relates to the problem they have.
As this is likely your first time writing this sort of letter, I thought I'd give you a hand.

Yeah I need help. Period dot, that's it.



Actually I still don't know where babies come from, I keep getting something about a cabbage patch and how storks totally dig cabbage. I guess I'll never get it.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? How many?!

-seriously concerned

Interesting non-question, Noodles.

What most people don't know is that babies can come from a variety of disgusting places.
For instance: you were adopted. Your real parents were a fisherman and a pair of retarded
sea lions. Before they could eat you out of panicked hunger, you were wrested from their
awkward flippers by an angry mob in Oregon--where the practice of fucking retarded sea
lions is not so much illegal as it is "frowned upon."

After watching the grisly beating and slow, torturous immolation of your family, you were
bounced from orphanage to foster home to wherever the hell you are now (thankfully,
without ever being taught how to make babies). Do you understand? Good.


Yours Truly,

Cda A. Aah


P.S. It takes between 144 and 411 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop

Hey AAAH, was Oregon just a guess, or do you know? Or did you say it because you know they have a hell of a lot of sealions there. Maybe you've been stalking me again! I told you last time was just a warning, but if the letters and the calls don't stop, and I mean soon, I will have to take this to court. I mean I love you man, but nobody sends that much fruit cake in little heart shapes and doesn't have some hidden inuendo. True I do like, only like, fruit cake, but seriously I can't eat another bite.

Did you have a question? This is "Ask A Spitelord," not "Describe A Spitelord's Significance in Your Fantasy World (with Fruitcake)."


****EDIT****
I guessed that since you went on to answer the only part of your post which might be considered a question, it was meant rhetorically. The really important question, which has yet to be asked, is "what medication do they give half-sea-lion retards, and when did you stop taking it?"

Dear Spitelords,

My husband and I are living in a tent, while also going to school full time. I work about 2 1/2 jobs right now, but the money really gets sucked up by food when you have to buy everything precooked.

Living homeless in a primarily wealthy town means that there are very few resources within walking distance.

I'd like to live in house, but there's not enough money in the world to afford a house in Rocklin. Is there hope for a poor homeless college student such as myself?

--cold and damp

p.s. There were tornados the other day... two! in CALIFORNIA for christs sake. You expect that sort of thing in the midwest, not here. plus 2 to environmental hazards of tent living.

Me, me, me! It's always about me, isn't it, poufie? I feel a little urpy today! Do you care? Hell no!

Ramen is cheap and can be eaten raw; potatoes are a dollar per ten-pound bag; and if you're white, babies can be made and sold for whopping prices on the black market. Keep your racially handicapped children to yourself, you [Insert Appropriate Racial Slur Here].

I've installed ircle on my Mac at work. The instructions for using IRC in the chat room information say:
"Click on the Add button. Now you are in the Edit Server Name/ Port menu. In the Server Name box type in burghcom.fdfnet.net. Don't change the port settings it should be set to 6667. On the Network pull down choose fdfnet. Then press the Ok button." I also tried tower.fdfnet.net.

Everything seems to be as you directed, except that fdfnet isn't one of the options presented in the Network menu. It reads "EYErc.net," then skips to "FEFnet." It also is not listed at either the very beginning or the very end of the list. Are you using a different network since the crash? Is there a way for me to be able to access the chat?